If I were in a band it would be called either Fear Volcano, In Touch with Warnie or My Integrity Dissolves in Ribena.

Edison had 1093 patents for inventions. None of these was a f***ing leafblower. Connect the dots, folks...

Fair warning,diners: if you lean across my place setting and wobble my panna cotta, you're gonna get forked.

Future historians will look at our time and wonder why we became obsessed with getting all our news in numbered listicle form.

My friends know I'm not a drinker, but I'm prepared to spend a year in an alcoholic haze, hit rock bottom and then recover.

Advertising something as 'around the cost of a cup of coffee' makes me want another coffee. You won't make a dime that way.

Feeling unbalanced today. Got unduly emotional that Emily DIckinson's poetry wasn't recognised in her lifetime. #getagrip

Sci-fi Idea: 2017 all newborn cats are born with an opposable thumb. 2018 the last 500 humans fight for their lives. 

Is it just me or is way past time that Mario got Wario to take Luigi fishing on Lake Tahoe?

They had a Live Like A Rolling Stone radio contest. I think the prize was hormone replacement and grab bars for the bathroom.

As I woke, I thought about buying a budgie and calling it Atticus Finch. All my 6am ideas are this terrible.

Putting hipster baby names out in the Zeitgeist. I propose Comma and Gerund. Both unisex, natch. And of course Natch.

A man called David is fixing our gate. I think of him as David Gates from Bread. I realise this is no longer a popular reference.

When I'm on my death bed, I will wish for the return of the hours I spent re-typing passwords  to infrequently visited websites.

My bad. Thought it was Freebase Friday at work. It's Free Dress Friday. Casual wear rather than a casual attitude towards drugs.

Is it just me or is UNDER THE DOME Stephen King's crazy sci-fi rewrite of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND?

Everything you will ever need to know is–at this very moment–being compiled into a listicle illustrated with hilarious gifs.

Got The Ennui today; Life is distantly-spaced bright spots with nothing but packing peanuts in between.

Breaking: The Bayeux Tapestry was William the Conqueror's Battle of Hastings Gantt chart.

Watching a cam version of TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD. I think this Gregory Peck guy is going places...